Religious Electronic Literature: http://ccel.wheaton.edu/

Moses down from the Mount: "It's just a first draft, but it seems that no one is going to get away with anything."

Were Adam and Eve banished for eating the forbidden fruit or for raising Cain?

At the social security office Adam is known as 000-00-0001

During a rainy rush hour in Washington, D.C., a jam packed bus continued picking up passengers at every stop. "move back," the driver repeatedly growled. "These people want to get out of the rain, too." Finally, there was a plaintive cry from a crushed passenger in the rear of the bus. "Mister, he said, "this is only a bus you got. It ain't Noah's Ark."

Scrawled on the wall of a London pub are the words: "The meek shall inherit the earth." Underneath someone wrote: "If that's O.K. with the rest of you."

But the King James version was translated during the Shakespearean period, so the low form (thou, thee, thy) was used. Of course, the original language of the Bible made no such distinctions. Thus addressing God as "you" is not unacceptable or irreverent.

My Dear Nephew:
A few days ago I was called in to prescribe for a sick man named Paul. He appeared to be a Roman citizen of Jewish parentage, well educated and of agreeable manners. I have been told that he was here in connection with a lawsuit, an appeal from one of our provincial court, Caesarea of some such place in the eastern Mediterranean. He had been described to me as a "wild and violent" fellow who had been making speeches against the People and against the Law. I found him very intelligent and of great honesty. A friend of mine who used to be with the army in Asia Minor tells me that he heard something about him in Ephesus, where he was preaching sermons about a strange new God. I asked my patient if this were true and whether he had told the people to revel against the will of our beloved Emperor. Paul answered that the Kingdom of which he spoke was not of this world and he added many strange utterances which I did not understand, but which were probably due to his fever. His personality made a great impression upon me and I was sorry to hear that he was killed on the Ostian Road a few days ago. Therefore I am writing this letter to you. When next you visit Jerusalem, I want you to find out something about my friend Paul and the strange Jewish prophet who seems to have been his teacher. Our slaves are getting much excited about this so-called Messiah, and a few of them who openly talked of the new Kingdom (whatever that means), have been crucified. I would like to know the truth about all these rumors and I am

God has positive answers.
You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say:  "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest  (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say:  "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you  (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say:  "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient  (II Corinthians
12:9 & Psalms 91:15)
You say: " I can't figure things out"
God says:  I will direct your steps  (Proverbs
3:5-6)
You say:  "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say:  "I'm not able"
God says: I am able  (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say:  "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it (Romans  8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says:  I FORGIVE YOU  (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: " I can't manage"
God says:  I will supply all your needs
(Philippians 4:19)
You say:  "I'm afraid"
God says:  I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says:  Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)
You say: " I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake
you (Hebrews 13:5)

From Barbara Clevenger

A rare book collector met a guy who said he’d just thrown out an old Bible that had been packed away for generations.  “Somebody named Guten-something had printed it,” the man explained.

          “Not Gutenberg!” gasped the book lover.  You’ve just thrown away one of the most famous books ever printed.  One copy recently sold at auction for over $4 million!”

THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS

(Author Unknown – Forwarded by Charlie Sunday)

 Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

            Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

            Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

            Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

            Samson: "Hair"

Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

            Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

            Peter: "I'm Sorry"

Esau: "Born To Be Wild"

            Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

            The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a

Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

12/04/00

Love from the Bible

^{Luke 12:30} Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’^{£ 31}The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^£ There is no commandment greater than these.”

 ^{Gal. 5:13} You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature^£; rather, serve one another in love. ¹⁴The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”^{£ 15}If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other

 ^{1Cornithians 13:6} Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ^{Luke  6:37} “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. ³⁸ Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

12/05/00

The Religious Lady On The Plane

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying.  Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.

 One time, she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing.

 After a while, he turned to her and asked,  "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

 The lady replied,  "Of course I do.  It is the Bible."

 He said,  "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"

 She replied,  "Oh, Jonah.  Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

 He asked,  "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

 The lady said,  "Well, I don't really know.  I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

 "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

 "Then you can ask him,"  replied the lady.

04/12/01

04/18/01

10/25/01

Martha Wade is a Bible translator who has chosen to live in one of the most primitive places on earth, a jungle village in Papua New Guinea, in order to translate the Word of God for a people who might have no other way to know it.

Bible translation is a painstaking job that can take years to complete.

When she had finished translating a portion of the Gospels, Martha showed it to a village elder.

After reading it, he remarked, "Now I know God speaks our language."

And isn't that what we all want to know? -- ["Jerusalem's Grady" by Wye Huxford Preaching July/ August 1999 p. 36.]

10/30/01

 Those who read the book of Job looking for some explanation of suffering will be sorely disappointed.  God never really explains himself.

Author Frederick Buechner makes the point that maybe God knew Job didn't need an explanation.  What kind of explanation would make sense?

Instead of laying out in detail His reasons for allowing Job's suffering, God instead makes Himself, in all His power and majesty, known to Job.

As Buechner writes, "God doesn't reveal His grand design.  He reveals Himself. He doesn't show why things are as they are.  He shows His face.

And Job says, ‘I had heard of Thee by the hearing of the ear, but now my eyes see Thee.'

Even covered with sores and ashes, he looks oddly like a man who has asked for a crust and been given the whole loaf."

11/14/01

11/14/01

DOG LETTERS TO GOD
 
     Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers,
     but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are they thinking?
    
     Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your
     couch? Or is it the same old story?
    
     Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named
     after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray,
     and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see
a cougar riding around?  We dogs love a nice ride! I know every
breed can not have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler
     Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
    
     Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest
     and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
    
     Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to
     our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in?
    
     Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room
     tables have onramps?
    
     Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
    
     Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we
     have to shake hands to get in?
    
     Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal
     instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers,
 scent IDs, electromagnetic energyfields, and Frisbee flight paths. What
do
    humans understand?
    
     Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are
     we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long
time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
    
     Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there
     are, will I have to apologize?
    
     Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always
     bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own
     blessing?
    
     Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I
     have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.
    
     Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on
     the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me
'cuz they think I'm jealous of this  stupid dog. Since they have no
     sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does
PetsMart
     sell lie detectors?

01/20/02

The 23^rd  Psalm

This an eye opener. We probably never thought nor looked at this Psalm in this way, even though we say it over and over again.

CHURCH HUMOR

There is a delightful cartoon of geese in flight. Somehow they look strange even to a casual observer, but it is not immediately evident what is wrong. Closer inspection reveals that the cartoonist has them all trying to fly with the vee reversed. One goose says, "I have a nagging feeling we're doing something wrong. "The church needs someone to "call it" when it engages in such strange confused behavior."

CHURCH HUMOR

A new minister in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days desperately calling on the membership, begging them to come to his first services. He failed.
He placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that as the church was dead, it was his duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, the whole town turned out. In front of the pulpit, they saw a high coffin, smothered in flowers.
The minister read the obituary and delivered a eulogy; he then invited his congregation to step forward and pay their respects to the dearly beloved who had departed.
The long line filed by. Each mourner peeped into the coffin and then turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. For in the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror. Everyone saw himself.
Rabbi Louis Binstock

CHURCH HUMOR

A story is told of an old man's parting words to his nine sons. He asked them to bring him nine sticks. Holding a stick, he split it over his knee. Then, grasping the whole bunch, he was unable to break even one. "These nine sticks are like you," he explained. "Individually, you each may be broken, but together, your strength is unbreakable."
So it is with us the Body of Christ.

Three pastors got together for coffee one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems. “I got so mad,” said one, “I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats.”
“I tried trapping them alive,” said the second. “Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they beat me back to the church.”
“I haven’t had any more problems,” said the third.
“What did you do?” asked the others, amazed.
“I simply baptized and confirmed them and I haven’t seen them since.”

CHURCH HUMOR

During Sunday mass at the church my mother attends, the priest told of a conversation he had had with a young parishioner. When the priest asked the little boy if he believed in God, the child quickly responded, "Yes, I do." Well, said the priest, "why do you believe in God." The answer was slower this time. "I don't think I know why," the child said finally. "I think it runs in the family."

CHURCH HUMOR

Dear George: As a minister I could use some advice on how to keep my congregation awake during my sermons. You're so great with an audience.
Man of the cloth

My Dear Man: The secret of a good sermon is a good beginning and a good ending. And having them as close together as possible

CHURCH HUMOR

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

God and St. Peter are playing a round of golf. On the first hole God drives into the water. The waters part and God chips onto the green. On the second hole God takes a tremendous whack and the ball lands ten feet from the pin. An earthquake causes part of the green to rise and the ball rolls into the cup. On the third hole God lands in a sand trap. He creates life: single cell organisms develop into fish, then amphibians. They evolve into reptiles, birds and furry little mammals. One of the mammals runs into the trap, grabs God’s ball in its mouth, scurries over and drops it in the hole.
St. Peter looks at God and says, “You gonna play golf, or you gonna fool around?”

There is the story of the Backwoods Granny in church one day.
The Preacher asked the assembly: "Do you decry the evils of the world?"
"Yes Preacher Yes" called out Granny.
Pleased with the reaction the Preacher continued, "And do you decry the evils
of debauchery and adultery?"
Granny yelled out in full and joyous voice "You tell em preacher!"
"The evils of greed and Wall Street?"
"Alleluia Preacher" Granny croaked gleefully.
"Do you decry with me the evils of smoking?"
"Now then Preacher," said the Backwoods Granny tapping her corncob pipe in
her hand....
"Now you've stopped preachin' and you gone to meddlin'"
From John Considine

Three ministers were traveling together on a bus. A Methodist, a fundamentalist
and a Unity minister. The bus blew a tire and went over a cliff. All three
died instantly. They found themselves in hell.
Several days later, the fundamentalist was heard to exclaim: "If only I
hadn't loved drinking so much I wouldn't be in this horrible, hot place."
The Methodist wailed "If only I hadn't chased women so much I wouldn't be in
this horrible hot place."
The Unity Minister was over in the corner of the room, seated with her eyes
closed whispering, "It's not hot and I'm not here... It's not hot and I'm not
here." From John Considine

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
 he  meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."
 The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man.

"Do you want to got to heaven?"  "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.

 "Do you want to go to heaven?"  "No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
 The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me
that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

 O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people
to collect all the money!"

    We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of
modern life.  But have you wondered, what if God decided to install voice
mail?"  Imagine  praying and hearing this:
"Thank you for calling My Father's House.  Please select one of the
 following options:
    Press 1 for Requests
    Press 2 for Thanksgiving
     Press 3 for Complaints
     Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.
  I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now.   However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was
received, so please stay on the line.
     If you would like to speak to:
    God, Press 1;
    For Jesus, Press 2;
    For the Holy Spirit, Press 3;
    If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding,
please press 4.
   To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter
his or her Social Security number, then press the pound key. (If you get a
negative response, try area code 666.)
 For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter
 J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6.
    For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth
and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
    Our computers show that you have already prayed once today.  Please hang
up and try again tomorrow.
    This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. 
Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM.  If you need emergency
assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  THANK GOD, HE DOESN'T HAVE VOICE MAIL AND HE LISTENS WHEN WE PRAY!!!!!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six
days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel  found him, resting on the
seventh day.
Michael asked, "Sir, Where have you been for the past  six days?"
God replied, "Behold Michael.  I've taken the last days to create a
planet.
It is a planet of life, beauty, and balance.  I will call it
EARTH."
"A planet of balance?" inquired Michael. "Sir, I'm afraid that I
don't understand what you mean."
"Let me show you," said God.  With this God took Michael closer to
Earth and began pointing out items to him.  "See Michael there  is
balance between Northern and Southern Europe where Northern Europe  is
cold and Southern Europe is warm.  The Middle East is desert and hot,  the
tropical rain forests are wet and rainy, Antarctica is cold and icy.
You see, BALANCE."
"I see!" exclaimed Michael. "This is wonderful, sir!  But what   is
that  little area in the center of what is North America?"
"Ah" said God, "that's Oklahoma; a beautiful place of lakes, rivers,
streams, and tall prairie.  Her people will be modest,
intelligent and humorous.  They will be world travelers,  sociable,
diligent and hardworking.  Oklahomans will be known throughout  the
world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
"But sir," Michael interjected, " what about BALANCE? You have
balance  throughout the rest of Earth and none to balance the
Oklahomans?"
God smiled and said, "Wait until you see the hell raising, loudmouthed  jokers I'm putting next to them in Texas!

You might be in a country church if . . .
- the doors are never locked
- the Call to Worship is, "Y'all come on in!"
- people grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark
- the Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," and five guys  stand up
- the restroom is outside
- opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official
church holiday
- a member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck
because, "I ain't never  been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."
- in the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge
of two calves"
- never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors
had to buy any meat or   vegetables
- when it rains, everybody's smiling
- prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship
service
- a singing group is known as "The OK Chorale"
- the church directory doesn't have last names
- the pastor wears boots
- four generations of one family sit together in worship every
Sunday
- the only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is
during the summer, and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a
bag of squash
- there is no such thing as a "secret" sin
- baptism is referred to as "branding"
- there is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank
- finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable
- you miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2:00 that
afternoon you have  had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health
- high notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to
howling
- people wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish
were bass or catfish
- it's not Heaven, but you can see Heaven from there
- the final words after the benediction are, "Y'all come on back
now, y'hear!"

THE FIRST CHURCH OF FOOTBALL

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have
considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar
football phrases:

 BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every
benediction.

 BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping
 everyone else from exiting.

 COACH: The children's Christmas program director.

 ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas
program.

 COMMERCIAL:  Announcements.

 DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

 DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their
 bulletins during the service.

 END ZONE: The pews.

 EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was
too short.

 FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so
it  looks like they are giving.

 FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the
Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

 HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get
 people to put something in the plate.

 HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide
they need to use the restroom.

 HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

 ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of
the ministry.

 ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

 INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.

 OFF SIDES:  When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir
room (severe penalty incurred).

 PASS INTERFERENCE:
 1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.
 2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of
notes
 back and forth during the sermon.

 QUARTERBACK SNEAK:
 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the
benediction.
 2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after
classes began.

 RAIN DELAY: Baptism

 RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their
own
pew.

 SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty
minutes.

 TACKLE:
1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over
singles enrichment retreat.
2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery,
serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers
before they get away.

 PASS: When the new couple says no.

 TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

 TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view
of
the pastor.

 UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to
decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be
wanted by...
* the FDA and the BATF for turning water into wine without a license;
* the EPA for killing fig trees;
* the AMA for practicing medicine without a license;
* the Health Department for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness;
* the NEA for teaching without a certificate;
* OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket;
* the FAA for flying without an airplane;
* the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life;
* the IRS for not rendering unto Caesar that which isn't Caesar's;
* the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) for not choosing a woman apostle;
* and the Zoning Department for building mansions without a permit.