Story

While helping my son with his spelling, I came to the words "conscious" and "conscience". Did he know their meaning? Sure, Mom, he said. Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.

Columnist Earl Wilson once told of a fellow who confessed to a friend, "I got married because I was tired of going to the Laundromat, eating in restaurants and wearing socks with holes." "Funny," the friend replied, "I got divorced for the same reason."
It's really all within you. No matter how bad things may be, it is you, yourself, who made them that way.

There is satisfaction in having children. It has been said that a man with ten children is certain to be more satisfied than a man with a million dollars. The man who has a million dollars wants more.

The other day a little girl asked me, "What part of an automobile causes the most
accidents?" I told her I didn't know. She replied, "It's the nut at the wheel."

HUMOR, WIT

HUMOR, WIT

He who hesitates is lost.
But,
Look before you leap.

Birds of a feather flock together.
But,
Opposites attract.

You're never too old to learn
But,
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Variety is the spice of life.
But,
Don't change horses in midstream.

Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom.
But
Faith will move mountains.

The pen is mightier than the sword.
But
Actions speak louder than words.

Silence is golden.
But,
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Practice makes perfect.
But,
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
But,
Don't beat a dead horse.

Clothes make the man.
But,
Never judge a book by its cover.

A young man was taking home a beautiful young woman after their first date together. At the front door of her home as he was saying his final good-bye, he suddenly felt courageous and put a quick kiss on the girl's chin. "How do you like that, sweetheart?" he asked. Her eyes twinkled; she looked down at him and replied, "Very fair, very fair; but why don't you aim higher?"

SNEE FARM COUNTRY CLUB in Mount Pleasant, SC offers a single golf lesson for $1000 or a series of 13 for $140. Explains pro Derek Hardy, "If you expect a miracle, you should expect to pay for one."

A general is mapping out his strategy for war on his computer. He finishes and feels quite satisfied with what he’s done. He then asks the computer, Will we win or lose? The computer processes, and then flashes back, YES. The General types in, “Yes, what?” The computer responds back, Yes, SIR!

A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom took St. Peter aside and asked him if it was still possible for them to be married.
“I’ afraid you’ll have to wait,” St. Peter replied. “Check back after five years, and if you still want to be married we will talk about it.” Five years passed and the couple came back, repeating their request.
“Sorry, you must wait another five years,” St. Peter told them. Fortunately after the wait St. Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at firs the couple was happy, but then they realized that they had made a mistake. They went to see St. Peter, this time to ask for a divorce.
“What?” St. Peter asked. “It took us ten years to find a minister in heaven and now you want a lawyer?”

A man took his new hunting dog on a trial hunt. He shot a duck that feel into the lake. The dog walked over the water, picked up the duck, and brought it to his master.
The man was flabbergasted! He shot another duck. Once again, while he rubbed his eyes in disbelief, the dog walked over the water and retrieved the duck..
Hardly daring to believe what he had seen, he called his neighbor for a shoot the following day. Once again, each time he or his neighbor hit a bird, the dog would walk over the water and bring the bird in. The man said nothing. Neither did his neighbor. Finally, unable to contain himself any longer, he blurted out, “Did you notice anything strange about that dog?”
The neighbor rubbed his chin pensively. “Yes,” he finally said. “Come to think of it, I did! The son of a gun can’t swim!”

An oil well caught fire and the company called in the experts to put out the blaze. But so intense was the heat that the firefighters could not get within a thousand feet of the rig. The management, in desperation, called the local volunteer fire department to help in any way they could. Half an hour later a decrepit-looking fire truck rolled down the road and came to an abrupt stop just fifty feet away from the devouring flames. The men jumped out of the truck, sprayed one another, then went on to put the fire out.
The management, in gratitude, held a ceremony some days later at which the courage of the local firemen was commended, their dedication to duty extolled--an enormous check was presented to the chief of the fire department. When asked by reporters what he planned to do with the check, the chief replied, “Well, the first thing I’m going to do is take that fire truck to a garage and have the damned brakes repaired!”

When Sister asked the children in her class what they wanted to be when they grew up, little Tommy said he wanted to be a pilot. Elsie said she wanted to be a doctor; Bobby, to Sister’s great joy, said he wanted to become a priest. Then Mary stood up and declared she wanted to be a prostitute.
“What was that again, Mary?”
“When I grow up,” said Mary with the air of someone who knew exactly what she wanted, “I shall become a prostitute.” Sister was startled beyond words. Mary was immediately segregated from the rest of the children and taken to the parish priest.
Father was given the facts in broad outline but he wanted to check them out with the culprit.
“Tell me what happened in your own words, Mary.”
“Well,” said Mary, somewhat taken aback by all this fuss, “Sister asked me what I wanted to become when I grew up and I said I wanted to become a prostitute.”
“Did you say prostitute?” asked Father, double-checking.
“Yes.”
“Heavens! What a relief! We all thought you said you were going to become a Protestant!”

Golfers rightly fear the hazards of sand traps,yet few can avoid them completely. At some time our course in life will catch us in the adversity of a sand trap. The danger is that we may be unprepared to deal with the tough situations in life. Arnold Palmer, the famous golf champion, said on one occasion that over the years he had watched hundreds of golfers practicing. He had observed them meticulously practicing putting, the easy, short puts on the soft velvet grass. And he had watched them practice the swing down the thoroughfare, but in all his lifetime and experience, he had never once seen a golfer practicing how to get out of a sand trap.

A bureaucrat was hiking when he came upon a shepherd tending a large flock. The bureaucrat took a fancy to the sheep and asked the shepherd, “If I can guess how any there are, may I have one?” The shepherd thought it unlikely the man would guess the exact number, so he agreed. The bureaucrat guessed, “You have 287 sheep.” The shepherd was astonished, since this was exactly right. “Can I pick out my sheep now?” asked the bureaucrat. The shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. Selecting one, the bureaucrat slung it over his shoulders to carry home. The shepherd got an idea. “If I guess your occupation,” he said, “may I have my sheep back?” The bureaucrat was surprised, but figured there was little chance of the shepherd guessing correctly, so he went along. “You’re a bureaucrat,” announced the shepherd. Amazed, the bureaucrat asked, “How did you know?” The shepherd replied, “Put the dog down and we’ll talk about it.”

The Rev. Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So, he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded hi to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away. This way, he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not. ”
Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropped just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
It was a 420 yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy Captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious, “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There’s one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
Priest says, "If I’m lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose if my works are seen in a very good light, I might be made an Archbishop," said the Priest cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal", said the priest.
"Could you go higher than a Cardinal?" asked the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said, "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "Could you be anything higher than that? Is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"
Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it."

"Oh, doctor," said the wife, "my husband John is wandering in his mind." "Don't let that worry you," said the doctor. "He can't go very far."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had a all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River.

From John Consadine

A couple made a deal that whoever died first they would come
back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's
biggest fear was there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word
he made contact.

"Mary...Mary...."

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast,
I have sex, I bask in the sun, then I have sex-twice. I have
lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. Supper, then sex
till late at night. Sleep then start all over again."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's artwork.  As she got to one little girl who was
working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm
drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what
God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

From Barbara Cleavenger

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
 
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
 
"I could eat," said Seymour.
 
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
 
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
 
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour
again said, "I could eat."
 
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and
chocolates.
 
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.

Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a
reward for the good life I lived.  But, this is heaven, and all I get to
eat is tuna.  But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings.  I just don't
understand."
 
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people,  does it
pay to cook?"

From Barbara

                             God's Voice Mail

 We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part
 of modern life.  But, have you wondered, what if God decided to
 install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House.  Please select one of the
following options:
 Press 1 for Requests
 Press 2 for Thanksgiving
 Press 3 for Complaints
 Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.

What if God used the familiar excuse..."I'm sorry, all of our angels are
busy helping other sinners right now.  However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these responses as you call God in Prayer:
If you would like to speak to:
 - Gabriel, Press 1
 - Michael, Press 2
 - For a directory of other angels, Press 3
 - If you'd like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding,
   please press 4.
- To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5,
   enter his or her social security number, then press the pound key.
   (If you get a negative response, try area code 666.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter J-O-H-N, followed
by 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today.  Please hang up and try again tomorrow so that others may have a chance to get through.

This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again Monday after 9:30am.  If you need emergency
assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.

Thank God (today) that He doesn't have voice mail and He listens
whenever we pray!!!

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate, > Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advance in > education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:

 1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

 2. How many seconds are in a year?

 3. What is God's first name?

 Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered.......

 1. "The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today       and        Tomorrow."

 2. "There are 12 seconds in a year."

 3. "God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."

 Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, etc....."

"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the name stuff?"

Forrest said, "Well, from the song..... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own....    and the prayer.... Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."

Saint Peter let him in without another word.

12 WORDS THAT OUGHT TO BE IN THE DICTIONARY
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
 
CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
 
DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,
assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.
 
ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. the actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a theater.
 
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
 
LACTOMANGULATION (lak'to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.
 
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around
asking dinners if they want ground pepper.
 
PHONESIA (fo nee'zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
 
PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
 
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

BEST BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN THIS WEEKEND:
 If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
 [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Subject: [MEOW!] OFFICIAL BABY BOOMER QUALIFYING EXAM
QUESTION #1:
 Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of course. Consider this a warm-up.  [If you can't answer this one without thinking, close up the test, and move on to something else. We have nothing further to discuss.]


 QUESTION #2:
 Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, ____ _____!" Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.

 QUESTION #3:
 "Hey kids, what time is it?" ______ _________ ________ ________.

 QUESTION #4:
 What do M&M's do? _____ ___ ______ ________, _____ ___ ____.

 QUESTION #5:
 What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _________ _________.

 QUESTION #6:
 Long before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him _________.

 QUESTION #7:
 "You'll wonder where the yellow went, _____ ____ ______ _____ ."

 QUESTION #8:
 Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabes, know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we true boomers know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, _______________        G ____________.

 QUESTION #9:
 M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? _________ ___ ______ _."

 QUESTION #10:
 Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through the lobby of the girls' dormitory ______________.

 QUESTION #11:
 "Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______."

 QUESTION #12:
 Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ________ ____.

 QUESTION #13:
 From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______ _______ ____ __."

 QUESTION #14:
 And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? ___________ ____________."

 QUESTION #15:
 This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is just as profound: Where have all the flowers gone? Perhaps you could use a little help here: "Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone? ____ ______ _____ _______ __."

 QUESTION #16:
 Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and ____ _______________ _______.

 QUESTION #17:
 He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL and later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway ______ _____________.

 QUESTION #18:
 "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ______ __ _____ ___ _______. I'm Popeye the sailor man."

 QUESTION #19:
 Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ___________ ____________.

 QUESTION #20:
 In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin Hoffman was counseled about his future, and told to consider one thing: _______________.

 QUESTION #21:
 In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ___ _______"

 QUESTION #22:
 In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ________ ____________ to kick around any more."

 QUESTION #23:
 "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighted 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, ___ ____ _______."

 QUESTION #24:
 "I found my thrill, _____ ____________ __________________." You may remember Riche Cunningham singing this. But if you are a true boomer, you know it was Fats Domino who made this line famous.

 QUESTION #25:
 "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___________ ____ ____." This originated long before even the first of us boomers was born. But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.

 QUESTION #26:
 "Good night, David." "_________ _________,__________."

 QUESTION #27.
 "Liar, liar, ______ ___ _____."

 QUESTION #28.
 "When it's least expected, you're elected; You're the star today. Smile! _______ ___ _______"

 QUESTION #29.
 From our parents' day, as I recall, it was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ____ _____."

 QUESTION #30.
 Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop? ___________________________________________
 

You're on your own; no answers were provided...but if you're a real baby boomer, you already know them. If not, they probably wouldn't make sense to you anyway...go ask your parents.

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."
"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the
abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to whitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or
negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart
stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your
throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"To prevent contraception, use a condominium.

Subject:   Hmmmm

 GREAT THINKERS OF OUR TIME!
1.  Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
     Answer:  "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,  then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever,  which  is why I would not live
 forever."     ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

 2.  "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over   the
 world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but
not with all those flies and death and stuff."     ---Mariah Carey

 3.  "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of  the
 same reactions in the brain as marijuana.  The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
     ---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
 4.  "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
     ---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
 failed to pay his taxes.

 5.  "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
 of your life."     ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

 6.  "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
     ---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward

 7.  "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
 rates in the country." ---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

 8.  "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
     ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

 9.  "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.   We are the president."     ---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

 10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
     ---Former French President Charles De Gaulle

 11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
 jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."     ---A Congressional
Candidate in Texas

 12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.   It's the
 impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
 *   Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

 13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
mind."  ---General William Westmoreland

     And last but not least-a parting word from Dan Quayle:
 14. "I love California.  I practically grew up in Phoenix."

     Kinda makes you feel pretty smart doesn't it!

GOODBYE, CHARLIE

In honor of Charles Schultz, who's retiring Charlie Brown and the gang
Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been
around  almost 50 years the members of the Peanuts gang are in some
unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to
age like the rest of us? With apologies to Charles Schulz:

Charlie Brown:  Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic-depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Linus:  Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

Lucy:  Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.

Schroeder:  After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a
piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

Sally:  Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Baboo.   Sells Mary Kay.

Peppermint Patty:  Women's athletic director at a Midwestern university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

Snoopy:  In dog years, he'd be 350. Linus has created an endowment at
Daisy Hill Puppy farm in his memory.

A riddle to be  solved........

The poor have it.
The rich need it.
What is greater than God?
What is more evil than the devil?
If you eat it you'll die?

This is all one riddle, with one answer. An interesting stat, is that 70%
of Stanford  University students couldn't work it out, however 80% of
kindergarten kids could. Think about it  and then scroll down...

Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:

TO: My Boss
From: Blondie
RE: Changing calendars from Y2K
 
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion. The calendars have returned from the printer  and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
 
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
 
We are now Y to K compliant.

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

   Two good ol’ boys bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer. But when winter came, they found it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was plenty to eat. “How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?” one guy asked.

   “Easy,” replied the second. “We’ll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours.”

   By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length.

   "Now what are we going to do?” asked the first.

   “Why don’t you just take the black one?” said the second. “And I’ll take the white one.”

  One of the toughest graduate courses my sister took at Johns Hopkins University in Maryland was business economics. Once, the professor was discussing the theory of supply and demand. “I’m selling A’s for 50 cents,” he said. “Who wants to buy one?”

   Everyone raised a hand. “My price just went up to $25.” Three hands came  down. The professor continued to raise the price until just one woman’s hand remained in the air.

   “A’s now cost $1000,” he announced. The hand stayed up. “You still want to buy an A?” he asked in astonishment.

   “Oh, yes,” the woman replied. “My husband bet me $10,000 that I couldn’t’ get an A in business economics.”

Teacher to colleagues in faculty lounge: “It worked! I told them that the multiplication table was none of their business, and they learned it in a week.”

While my wife and I were vacationing in Hawaii, we went to see the USS Arizona Memorial but got lost and ended up at a gate manned by a young Marine. After he gave me directions to the memorial, I thanked him and said, “Have a nice day.”

            As I was about to leave he said, “Sir, I’m 20 years old, single and stationed in Hawaii. Every day is a nice day.”

            While driving, my husband and I noticed a filthy white car with an inscription in the dust that had gathered on the rear fender. We expected to see the usual “Wash me” phrase, but as we moved closer to the vehicle, we broke into laughter at the actual message. It read: “Also available in white.”

The cute wheel chair thing--My daughter, Cindy, uses a wheelchair. One rainy day, we returned to her home after a shopping trip. On the carpeted platform of the ramp at the back door, she hesitated, then turned her chair around. After she had repeated this maneuver several times, I impatiently asked, “Are you going in the house or not?”

            “Mom,” she responded quietly, “I’m wiping my feet.!”

            On an airliner between Chicago and Las Vegas. Muhammad Ali was a passenger. Confronted by a flight attendant who said he would have to fasten his seat belt…

Muhammad Ali replied, "Superman don’t need not seat belt."

To which she, the flight attendant, replied—sweetly—"Superman don’t need no airplane."

Midwest Burger King was robbed last night. Police have arrested…are your ready for this? Burger King was robbed last night and police have arrested 18-year old Ronald McDonald.

A teacher, a petty thief and a lawyer all died and went to the Pearly Gates. Because of crowding, St. Peter told them they had to pass a test before ascending any further. Addressing the teacher, he asked, "What was the name of the famous ship that hit an iceberg and sank?"

"The Titanic," she answered, and St. Peter motioned her into heaven.

The thief was next. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked.

"Gee, that’s tough," the man replied. "But luckily I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500." St. Peter let him through.

Bill Gates and the president of General Motors were attending a Q and A session during a business conference. Gates boasted of the innovations his company had made. "If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has," Gates bragged, "we’d all be driving $25 cars that get 1000 miles per gallon."

"I suppose that’s true," the GM executive agreed. "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?"

Under Her Wings
An article in the National Geographic several years ago provided a
penetrating picture of God's wings.  After a forest fire in Yellowstone
National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage.  One ranger found a bird literally petrified in the ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick.  When he struck it, three little chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings.  The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had herded them under her wings, keenly aware that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies.  When the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained  steadfast. Because she had been willing to die, those under the cover of her wings would live.... "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will  find refuge." -- Psalm 91:4 Being loved this much should make a difference in your life.  Remember the One who loves you, and then, be different because of it.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six
days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel  found him, resting on the
seventh day.

Michael asked, "Sir, Where have you been for the past  six days?"
God replied, "Behold Michael.  I've taken the last days to create a
planet.

It is a planet of life, beauty, and balance.  I will call it
EARTH."

"A planet of balance?" inquired Michael. "Sir, I'm afraid that I
don't understand what you mean."

"Let me show you," said God.  With this God took Michael closer to
Earth and began pointing out items to him.  "See Michael there is balance between Northern and Southern Europe where Northern Europe is cold and Southern Europe is warm.  The Middle East is desert and hot, the tropical rain forests are wet and rainy, and Antarctica is cold and icy. You see, BALANCE."

"I see!" exclaimed Michael. "This is wonderful, sir!  But what is
that  little area in the center of what is North America?"
"Ah" said God, "that's Oklahoma; a beautiful place of lakes, rivers,
streams, and tall prairie.  Her people will be modest,
intelligent and humorous.  They will be world travelers,  sociable,
diligent and hardworking.  Oklahomans will be known throughout  the
world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

"But sir," Michael interjected, " what about BALANCE? You have
balance  throughout the rest of Earth and none to balance the
Oklahomans?"

God smiled and said, "Wait until you see the hell raising,
loudmouthed  jokers I'm putting next to them in Texas!

You might be in a country church if . . .

- the doors are never locked
- the Call to Worship is, "Y'all come on in!"
- people grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark
- the Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," and five guys  stand up
- the restroom is outside
- opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official
church holiday
- a member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck
because, "I ain't never  been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."
- in the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge
of two calves"
- never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors
had to buy any meat or   vegetables
- when it rains, everybody's smiling
  - prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship
service
- a singing group is known as "The OK Chorale"
- the church directory doesn't have last names
- the pastor wears boots
- four generations of one family sit together in worship every
Sunday
- the only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is
during the summer, and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag
of squash
- there is no such thing as a "secret" sin
- baptism is referred to as "branding"
- there is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank
- finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable
- you miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2:00 that
afternoon you have  had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health
- high notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to
howling
- people wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish
were bass or catfish
- it's not Heaven, but you can see Heaven from there
- the final words after the benediction are, "Yall come on back
now, y'hear!"

Our USA Article

    I grew up in rural America in the '50's and '60's. On any given day, you
could walk through the high school parking lot and observe that half the
vehicles parked there were trucks with windows rolled down and doors
unlocked. Most of them carried, as standard equipment, an FFA sticker
(Future Farmers of America for you city folks) and a gun rack with at least
one gun, usually loaded. You could make the same observation at any of
the four high school campuses in our county. Amazingly, I do not ever recall
reading or hearing about mass shootings in any of those high schools.  What
has changed in America is not the accessibility of guns, but the character
of man.

    On the wall in my parents' home is a plaque awarded to my father in
recognition of service for 27 years on the local school board. He told me
that for years, a standard requirement on every teacher's contract was
membership in a local church. I remember starting every school day with the
pledge and a prayer.

    I remember when girls who got pregnant in high school were ashamed, when
abortions were illegal, when the divorce rate was not 50% because couples
stayed together for the kid's sake, when there were no X-rated movies, when
milk cartons didn't have missing kid's faces on them and I didn't know
anyone personally who used drugs. I remember when kids were taught respect
for authority and accountability to God.
I hear people say that the good old days weren't always so good but please
don't tell me you think these are better. Last night I attended a high school
football game that was covered by local and national news. The news coverage
was not about the football teams, But about the defiance of a court order by
one brave little Texas town to preserve the right to pray before a football
game. The more this country struggles to free itself from religion, the more
we become entangled in the consequences.

    If people are taught that they came from slime, the obvious questions and
consequences must follow; What is the purpose of my existence
[hopelessness], who made you the boss of me [lawlessness], why are your
rules good and mine bad [relativism], what does it matter how I live if I
came from slime and return to slime [immorality and inhumanity]?
I realize that in any given poll, the vast majority of Americans claim to
believe in God. I claim to believe that running is good for me but that
Does not make me a runner. Putting on my running shoes and running makes me a
runner.  The climbing abortion rate, murder rate, divorce rate, alcoholism
and drug abuse rate, child and spousal abuse rate contradict that claim and
prove that actions speak louder than words. It is an observable truth that
the best time you will ever make on any American City freeway is on Sunday
morning because there are no traffic jams getting to church. For those who
believe that separation of church and state is not enough, that the world
would be better off with no church at all, ask yourself this question:
"How many hospitals, universities, orphanages, homeless and abuse shelters
have been founded by the ACLU or American Atheist Society?"
It is the inclusion of the word Catholic, Baptist, Presbyterian, Christian,
etc., in the name of so many of these institutions that proves by actions,
not just words, who really cares for the suffering of mankind and desires to
make the world better.

    The question that people should be asking is not "Why does God allow
tragedies?" but "When will we realize that no nation, in the history of the
world, has ever separated itself from God and evolved to a better society?"
Of course, to answer, you would have to know history.  Most people, it would
seem, prefer People magazine.

Joyce Minor
Asst. Director of Development and Alumni Relations
University of Alabama

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the
source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with
a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!   Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.   By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.   Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.  The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.  By the next day the word has  spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.   They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.  Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
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Beethoven's decomposing."

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.

I heard one about a genius stickup artist who came into a fast food burger
joint pulled out a gun, and demanded all the money in the register.

The girl behind the counter then informed the gunman, "I'm sorry sir, but I
can't open the register unless you make a purchase.".

Whereupon the dim bandit then said, "Okay, gimme a burger and fries"
"I'm sorry sir we are still serving from the breakfast menu. I cannot serve
you a burger and fries untill after 11:00"

The robber had finally had enough and turned around and left in frustration.

Poison Control Center I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter to the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that
is activated when the raft is inflated.

They are no longer employed there.

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.

The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.  They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. 

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.